(we will return to our regularly scheduled programming shortly)
i get really attached. easily.
people, places, relationships, objects...i'm clingy.
(say what you will about "the c word" but i've learned to embrace it)
i once had a gummy shark for like months that i carried around because i was too sad to eat it or "kill it". yeah, i know. gross.
i save receipts, tickets, random napkins, every card I've ever gotten...and yes I still sleep with a stuffed lamb.
It's not that I'm materialistic it's that I have a difficult time separating memories, feelings, etc from an object that represent them. Like, if I don't have something actual, tangible to associate with, it didn't happen for me. It may not make sense to anyone else. It's a type of separation anxiety and the coping mechanism is known as object relations. Again, say what you will about this because some of you know of a time when I've used this against people, but it really is just a part of how I work. It's like an overly extreme form of being sentimental.
so the fact that i totaled my first car, my little neon named Minnie, this weekend has really kind of freaked me out. a lot.
for a tiny little car that nobody ever has faith in (everyone makes fun of it), it drove me from carroll to denver at least 6 times, and to california and back 4 times. it only had 90,000 miles on it, which for a 2000 year car is very good. (did i mention it only cost $20 to fill up and got 30 mpg?)
and i just feel like i failed. you're supposed to drive your first car until it dies. and i'm a good driver. like really, i'm paranoid and careful and people make fun of me for driving too slowly and not being aggressive enough. so the fact that i looked in my rearview to change lanes and rearended a tahoe really upsets me.
if you were ever wondering who wins in a tahoe vs. neon, i can now show you.
i dont know why im so attached to my little car. it's just a car. but it wasn't just a car. i've been driving it as long as i could drive. so many late nights with gretchen, so many random trips with jake and kyle. graduation. car paint. snowstorms. mountain drives. my long road trips. so many swim practices.
and then, late nights with kurt. everywhere and anywhere. concerts at red rocks. mile high. waterworld. fort collins. ummmm any adventure i've ever had with bekah. holy crap so many. (and so many moths...)enter santa barbara--the first epic road trip, san fran, so many in n out trips, john mayer shows, beach trips, SOOO many good times with my roomies. so many coffee runs. the wall. the ridge.
enter you. this is what i'm having a hard time accepting. so many pivotal points in our relationship, whether it be the beginning or the end, happened in that car. surfing. even the fire--minnie carries us to safety. i had a really intense dream yesterday afternoon. that you were there. i dont think about it anymore. i dont write about it anymore--this blog is about embracing change, and learning new things. yet my subconscious brought me back to an old familiar place and it shook me. completely. because i wanted to tell you what happened. i guess i thought you'd understand. and it's weird because you got rid of lola too. after the fact. we both lost that tie. i dont know, maybe cars aren't that symbolic.
even what was to be my final drive. minnie was there. made it through that too, when we both needed so much repairing. became my home this summer for several weeks. seriously, in 6 years the car never once broke down on me or had a problem. not once. can you believe that?
then one more epic voyage. 2992.3 miles from denver to san diego.
i find it interesting that this was the last remaining piece of my "old self", my "old life"--the person i was that ended this past school year. this was the last bit i was hanging onto. and now it's gone. i'm free to completely embrace my new life. and yet i don't want to. with the daunting task of wading through endless craigslists posts, hoping not to get screwed--i seriously doubt i'll ever find a car that fits me so well as that one. and has been through as much as i have.
i know i sound so stupid. but when you sit in your car on a day like april 27th, and it's the only thing you have, something changes. and just as before, on that day in april, it was my fault--a poor decision, that results in the loss of something important.
you'd think i'd get it by now.
and don't tell me "it was an accident. it happens. it was just a car. you're okay."
that isn't going to make seeing my friend crushed into a small cube tomorrow morning any better.
dont ever underestimate a dodge neon. or it's little, broken driver.
I'll miss you, Natmobile.
i get really attached. easily.
people, places, relationships, objects...i'm clingy.
(say what you will about "the c word" but i've learned to embrace it)
i once had a gummy shark for like months that i carried around because i was too sad to eat it or "kill it". yeah, i know. gross.
i save receipts, tickets, random napkins, every card I've ever gotten...and yes I still sleep with a stuffed lamb.
It's not that I'm materialistic it's that I have a difficult time separating memories, feelings, etc from an object that represent them. Like, if I don't have something actual, tangible to associate with, it didn't happen for me. It may not make sense to anyone else. It's a type of separation anxiety and the coping mechanism is known as object relations. Again, say what you will about this because some of you know of a time when I've used this against people, but it really is just a part of how I work. It's like an overly extreme form of being sentimental.
so the fact that i totaled my first car, my little neon named Minnie, this weekend has really kind of freaked me out. a lot.
for a tiny little car that nobody ever has faith in (everyone makes fun of it), it drove me from carroll to denver at least 6 times, and to california and back 4 times. it only had 90,000 miles on it, which for a 2000 year car is very good. (did i mention it only cost $20 to fill up and got 30 mpg?)
and i just feel like i failed. you're supposed to drive your first car until it dies. and i'm a good driver. like really, i'm paranoid and careful and people make fun of me for driving too slowly and not being aggressive enough. so the fact that i looked in my rearview to change lanes and rearended a tahoe really upsets me.
if you were ever wondering who wins in a tahoe vs. neon, i can now show you.
i dont know why im so attached to my little car. it's just a car. but it wasn't just a car. i've been driving it as long as i could drive. so many late nights with gretchen, so many random trips with jake and kyle. graduation. car paint. snowstorms. mountain drives. my long road trips. so many swim practices.
and then, late nights with kurt. everywhere and anywhere. concerts at red rocks. mile high. waterworld. fort collins. ummmm any adventure i've ever had with bekah. holy crap so many. (and so many moths...)enter santa barbara--the first epic road trip, san fran, so many in n out trips, john mayer shows, beach trips, SOOO many good times with my roomies. so many coffee runs. the wall. the ridge.
enter you. this is what i'm having a hard time accepting. so many pivotal points in our relationship, whether it be the beginning or the end, happened in that car. surfing. even the fire--minnie carries us to safety. i had a really intense dream yesterday afternoon. that you were there. i dont think about it anymore. i dont write about it anymore--this blog is about embracing change, and learning new things. yet my subconscious brought me back to an old familiar place and it shook me. completely. because i wanted to tell you what happened. i guess i thought you'd understand. and it's weird because you got rid of lola too. after the fact. we both lost that tie. i dont know, maybe cars aren't that symbolic.
even what was to be my final drive. minnie was there. made it through that too, when we both needed so much repairing. became my home this summer for several weeks. seriously, in 6 years the car never once broke down on me or had a problem. not once. can you believe that?
then one more epic voyage. 2992.3 miles from denver to san diego.
i find it interesting that this was the last remaining piece of my "old self", my "old life"--the person i was that ended this past school year. this was the last bit i was hanging onto. and now it's gone. i'm free to completely embrace my new life. and yet i don't want to. with the daunting task of wading through endless craigslists posts, hoping not to get screwed--i seriously doubt i'll ever find a car that fits me so well as that one. and has been through as much as i have.
i know i sound so stupid. but when you sit in your car on a day like april 27th, and it's the only thing you have, something changes. and just as before, on that day in april, it was my fault--a poor decision, that results in the loss of something important.
you'd think i'd get it by now.
and don't tell me "it was an accident. it happens. it was just a car. you're okay."
that isn't going to make seeing my friend crushed into a small cube tomorrow morning any better.
dont ever underestimate a dodge neon. or it's little, broken driver.
I'll miss you, Natmobile.
