respect.

i have so much love and respect for one of my fellow IC friends. He is braving so many things to follow what he feels his heart has been called by Christ to do.

Today i had a discussion with a different friend about fear of being mediocre. I asked how we fight that.

I believe this paragraph from one of these incredible people we call roadies answers that question. Matt, you have all my respect, prayers, and love.

"As you all know, in my life I have come to recognize Jesus as the perfect radical passivist. To follow Jesus' commands of peace I know that it will require some illogical actions in the eyes of humanity, but it is by his grace that we understand that Jesus does know what he's talking about when he tells us to Love Our Enemies. To be a true passivist I cannot make decisions to always be peaceful from the comfort of my couch in a country that fights for it's freedom. That is being a lazy leech of the system and it is soooo easy. Jesus called us to be peacemakers, to manifest himself through us into this world, and I know my life as been an escalating spiral to understanding both this call to make peace, and to serve the poor for this time and place in the world. This is not to say that when we do this trip that I have no reached my spirtual peak, or that I have lived out the fullest extent of my faith in Jesus, but it will be the daily obedience to him, everyday, for my entire life that will truly show my faith in Christ."

heartbreak warfare.

Lightning strikes
Inside, my chest to keep me up at night
Dream of ways
To make you understand my pain

Clouds of sulfur in the air
Bombs are falling everywhere
It's heartbreak warfare
Once you want it to begin,
No one really every wins
In heartbreak warfare

If you want more love,
why don't you say so?
If you want more love,
why don't you say so?

Drop his name
Push it in and twist the knife again
Watch my face
As I pretend to feel no pain

Clouds of sulfur in the air
Bombs are falling everywhere
It's heartbreak warfare
Once you want it to begin,
No one really ever wins
In heartbreak warfare.

If you want more love,
why don't you say so?
If you want more love,
why don't you say so?

Just say so...

How come the only way to know how high you get me
is to see how far I fall
God only knows how much I'd love you if you let me
but I can't break free at all.

It's a heartbreak...

I don't care if we don't sleep at all tonight
Let's just fix this whole thing now
I swear to God we're gonna get it right
If you lay your weapon down

Red wine and ambien
You're talking shit again, it's heartbreak warfare
Good to know it's all a game
Disappointment has a name, it's heartbreak warfare.

love actually

whenever i get gloomy about the state of the world, i think about the arrivals gate at the Heathrow airport the general opinion is starting to make out that we live in a world of hatred and greed, but i don't see that...seems to me that love is everywhere. often it's not particularly dignified or newsworthy, but it's always there. fathers and sons mothers and daughters husbands and wives boyfriends and girlfriends, old friends. when the planes hit the twin towers as far as i know none of the messages from people on board were messages of hatred or revenge, they were all messages of love. if you look for it, i've got a sneaky feeling that you'll find that love actually is...all around...


-hugh grant, love actually

the fourth danger is comfort.

Robert F. Kennedy, Speech at the University of Capetown, South Africa, Day of Affirmation, 6 June 1966

Mr. Chancellor, Mr. Vice Chancellor, Professor Robertson, Mr. Diamond, Mr. Daniel, Ladies and Gentlemen:

I come here this evening because of my deep interest and affection for a land settled by the Dutch in the mid-seventeenth century, then taken over by the British, and at last independent; a land in which the native inhabitants were at first subdued, but relations with whom remain a problem to this day; a land which defined itself on a hostile frontier; a land which has tamed rich natural resources through the energetic application of modern technology; a land which was once the importer of slaves, and now must struggle to wipe out the last traces of that former bondage. I refer, of course, to the United States of America.

But I am glad to come here, and my wife and I and all of our party are glad to come here to South Africa, and we are glad to come here to Capetown. I am already greatly enjoying my visit here. I am making an effort to meet and exchange views with people of all walks of life, and all segments of South African opinion -- including those who represent the views of the government. Today I am glad to meet with the National Union of South African Students. For a decade, NUSAS has stood and worked for the principles of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights -- principles which embody the collective hopes of men of good will around the globe.

Your work, at home and in international student affairs, has brought great credit to yourselves and your country. I know the National Student Association in the United States feels a particularly close relationship with this organization. And I wish to thank especially Mr. Ian Robertson, who first extended this invitation on behalf of NUSAS, I wish to thank him for his kindness to me in inviting me. I am very sorry that he can not be with us here this evening. I was happy to have had the opportunity to meet and speak with him earlier this evening, and I presented him with a copy of Profiles in Courage, which was a book written by President John Kennedy and was signed to him by President Kennedy's widow, Mrs. John Kennedy.

This is a Day of Affirmation -- a celebration of liberty. We stand here in the name of freedom.

At the heart of that western freedom and democracy is the belief that the individual man, the child of God, is the touchstone of value, and all society, all groups, and states, exist for that person's benefit. Therefore the enlargement of liberty for individual human beings must be the supreme goal and the abiding practice of any western society.

The first element of this individual liberty is the freedom of speech; the right to express and communicate ideas, to set oneself apart from the dumb beasts of field and forest; the right to recall governments to their duties and obligations; above all, the right to affirm one's membership and allegiance to the body politic -- to society -- to the men with whom we share our land, our heritage and our children's future.

Hand in hand with freedom of speech goes the power to be heard -- to share in the decisions of government which shape men's lives. Everything that makes man's lives worthwhile -- family, work, education, a place to rear one's children and a place to rest one's head -- all this depends on the decisions of government; all can be swept away by a government which does not heed the demands of its people, and I mean all of its people. Therefore, the essential humanity of man can be protected and preserved only where the government must answer -- not just to the wealthy; not just to those of a particular religion, not just to those of a particular race; but to all of the people.

And even government by the consent of the governed, as in our own Constitution, must be limited in its power to act against its people: so that there may be no interference with the right to worship, but also no interference with the security of the home; no arbitrary imposition of pains or penalties on an ordinary citizen by officials high or low; no restriction on the freedom of men to seek education or to seek work or opportunity of any kind, so that each man may become all that he is capable of becoming.

These are the sacred rights of western society. These were the essential differences between us and Nazi Germany as they were between Athens and Persia.

They are the essences of our differences with communism today. I am unalterably opposed to communism because it exalts the state over the individual and over the family, and because its system contains a lack of freedom of speech, of protest, of religion, and of the press, which is characteristic of a totalitarian regime. The way of opposition to communism, however, is not to imitate its dictatorship, but to enlarge individual human freedom. There are those in every land who would label as "communist" every threat to their privilege. But may I say to you , as I have seen on my travels in all sections of the world, reform is not communism. And the denial of freedom, in whatever name, only strengthens the very communism it claims to oppose.

Many nations have set forth their own definitions and declarations of these principles. And there have often been wide and tragic gaps between promise and performance, ideal and reality. Yet the great ideals have constantly recalled us to our own duties. And -- with painful slowness -- we in the United States have extended and enlarged the meaning and the practice of freedom to all of our people.

For two centuries, my own country has struggled to overcome the self-imposed handicap of prejudice and discrimination based on nationality, on social class or race -- discrimination profoundly repugnant to the theory and to the command of our Constitution. Even as my father grew up in Boston, Massachusetts, signs told him that "No Irish Need Apply". Two generations later, President Kennedy became the first Irish Catholic, and the first Catholic, to head the nation; but how many men of ability had, before 1961, been denied the opportunity to contribute to the nation's progress because they were Catholic, or because they were of Irish extraction? How many sons of Italian or Jewish or Polish parents slumbered in the slums -- untaught, unlearned, their potential lost forever to our nation and to the human race? Even today, what price will we pay before we have assured full opportunity to millions of Negro Americans?

In the last five years we have done more to assure equality to our Negro citizens and to help the deprived, both white and black, than in the hundred years before that time. But much, much more remains to be done.

For there are millions of Negroes untrained for the simplest of jobs, and thousands every day denied their full and equal rights under the law; and the violence of the disinherited, the insulted and the injured, looms over the streets of Harlem and of Watts and Southside Chicago.

But a Negro American trains as an astronaut, one of mankind's first explorers into outer space; another is the chief barrister of the United States government, and dozens sit on the benches of our court; and another, Dr. Martin Luther King, is the second man of African descent to win the Nobel Peace Prize for his non-violent efforts for social justice between all of the races.

We have passed laws prohibiting discrimination in education, in employment, in housing; but these laws alone cannot overcome the heritage of centuries -- of broken families and stunted children, and poverty and degradation and pain.

So the road toward equality of freedom is not easy, and great cost and danger march alongside all of us. We are committed to peaceful and non-violent change and that is important for all to understand -- though change is unsettling. Still, even in the turbulence of protest and struggle is greater hope for the future, as men learn to claim and achieve for themselves the rights formerly petitioned from others.


And most important of all, all the panoply of government power has been committed to the goal of equality before the law -- as we are now committing ourselves to achievement of equal opportunity in fact.

We must recognize the full human equality of all of our people -- before God, before the law, and in the councils of government. We must do this, not because it is economically advantageous -- although it is; not because the laws of God command it -- although they do; not because people in other lands wish it so. We must do it for the single and fundamental reason that it is the right thing to do.

We recognize that there are problems and obstacles before the fulfillment of these ideals in the United States as we recognize that other nations, in Latin America and in Asia and in Africa have their own political, economic, and social problems, their unique barriers to the elimination of injustices.

In some, there is concern that change will submerge the rights of a minority, particularly where that minority is of a different race than that of the majority. We in the United States believe in the protection of minorities; we recognize the contributions that they can make and the leadership they can provide; and we do not believe that any people -- whether majority or minority, or individual human beings -- are "expendable" in the cause of theory or policy. We recognize also that justice between men and nations is imperfect, and that humanity sometimes progresses very slowly indeed.

All do not develop in the same manner and at the same pace. Nations, like men, often march to the beat of different drummers, and the precise solutions of the United States can neither be dictated nor transplanted to others, and that is not our intention. What is important however is that all nations must march toward increasing freedom; toward justice for all; toward a society strong and flexible enough to meet the demands of all of its people, whatever their race, and the demands of a world of immense and dizzying change that face us all.

In a few hours, the plane that brought me to this country crossed over oceans and countries which have been a crucible of human history. In minutes we traced migrations of men over thousands of years; seconds, the briefest glimpse, and we passed battlefields on which millions of men once struggled and died. We could see no national boundaries, no vast gulfs or high walls dividing people from people; only nature and the works of man -- homes and factories and farms -- everywhere reflecting man's common effort to enrich his life. Everywhere new technology and communications brings men and nations closer together, the concerns of one inevitably become the concerns of all. And our new closeness is stripping away the false masks, the illusion of differences which is at the root of injustice and hate and war. Only earthbound man still clings to the dark and poisoning superstition that his world is bounded by the nearest hill, his universe ends at river's shore, his common humanity is enclosed in the tight circle of those who share his town or his views and the color of his skin.

It is your job, the task of the young people in this world to strip the last remnants of that ancient, cruel belief from the civilization of man.

Each nation has different obstacles and different goals, shaped by the vagaries of history and of experience. Yet as I talk to young people around the world I am impressed not by the diversity but by the closeness of their goals, their desires, and their concerns and their hope for the future. There is discrimination in New York, the racial inequality of apartheid in South Africa, and serfdom in the mountains of Peru. People starve to death in the streets of India; a former Prime Minister is summarily executed in the Congo; intellectuals go to jail in Russia; and thousands are slaughtered in Indonesia; wealth is lavished on armaments everywhere in the world. These are different evils; but they are the common works of man. They reflect the imperfections of human justice, the inadequacy of human compassion, the defectiveness of our sensibility toward the sufferings of our fellows; they mark the limit of our ability to use knowledge for the well-being of our fellow human beings throughout the world. And therefore they call upon common qualities of conscience and indignation, a shared determination to wipe away the unnecessary sufferings of our fellow human beings at home and around the world.

It is these qualities which make of our youth today the only true international community. More than this I think that we could agree on what kind of a world we want to build. It would be a world of independent nations, moving toward international community, each of which protected and respected the basic human freedoms. It would be a world which demanded of each government that it accept its responsibility to insure social justice. It would be a world of constantly accelerating economic progress -- not material welfare as an end in of itself, but as a means to liberate the capacity of every human being to pursue his talents and to pursue his hopes. It would, in short, be a world that we would all be proud to have built.

Just to the North of here are lands of challenge and of opportunity -- rich in natural resources, land and minerals and people. Yet they are also lands confronted by the greatest odds -- overwhelming ignorance, internal tensions and strife, and great obstacles of climate and geography. Many of these nations, as colonies, were oppressed and were exploited. Yet they have not estranged themselves from the broad traditions of the West; they are hoping and they are gambling their progress and their stability on the chance that we will meet our responsibilities to them, to help them overcome their poverty.

In the world we would like to build, South Africa could play an outstanding role, and a role of leadership in that effort. This country is without question a preeminent repository of the wealth and the knowledge and the skill of the continent. Here are the greater part of Africa's research scientists and steel production, most of it reservoirs of coal and of electric power. Many South Africans have made major contributions to African technical development and world science; the names of some are known wherever men seek to eliminate the ravages of tropical disease and of pestilence. In your faculties and councils, here in this very audience, are hundreds and thousands of men and women who could transform the lives of millions for all time to come.

But the help and leadership of South Africa or of the United States cannot be accepted if we -- within our own countries or in our relationships with others -- deny individual integrity, human dignity, and the common humanity of man. If we would lead outside our own borders; if we would help those who need our assistance; if we would meet our responsibilities to mankind; we must first, all of us, demolish the borders which history has erected between men within our own nations -- barriers of race and religion, social class and ignorance.


Our answer is the world's hope; it is to rely on youth.
The cruelties and the obstacles of this swiftly changing planet will not yield to obsolete dogmas and outworn slogans. It cannot be moved by those who cling to a present which is already dying, who prefer the illusion of security to the excitement and danger which comes with even the most peaceful progress. This world demands the qualities of youth: not a time of life but a state of mind, a temper of the will, a quality of imagination, a predominance of courage over timidity, of the appetite for adventure over the life of ease -- a man like the Chancellor of this University. It is a revolutionary world that we all live in; and thus, as I have said in Latin America and Asia and in Europe and in my own country, the United States, it is the young people who must take the lead. Thus you, and your young compatriots everywhere have had thrust upon you a greater burden of responsibility than any generation that has ever lived.

"There is," said an Italian philosopher, "nothing more difficult to take in hand, more perilous to conduct, or more uncertain in its success than to take the lead in the introduction of a new order of things." Yet this is the measure of the task of your generation and the road is strewn with many dangers.

First is the danger of futility; the belief there is nothing one man or one woman can do against the enormous array of the world's ills -- against misery, against ignorance, or injustice and violence. Yet many of the world's great movements, of thought and action, have flowed from the work of a single man. A young monk began the Protestant reformation, a young general extended an empire from Macedonia to the borders of the earth, and a young woman reclaimed the territory of France. It was a young Italian explorer who discovered the New /world, and 32 year old Thomas Jefferson who proclaimed that all men are created equal. "Give me a place to stand," said Archimedes, "and I will move the world." These men moved the world, and so can we all. Few will have the greatness to bend history; but each of us can work to change a small portion of the events, and in the total of all these acts will be written the history of this generation. Thousands of Peace Corps volunteers are making a difference in the isolated villages and the city slums of dozens of countries. Thousands of unknown men and women in Europe resisted the occupation of the Nazis and many died, but all added to the ultimate strength and freedom of their countries. It is from numberless diverse acts of courage such as these that the belief that human history is thus shaped. Each time a man stands up for an ideal, or acts to improve the lot of others, or strikes out against injustice, he sends forth a tiny ripple of hope, and crossing each other from a million different centers of energy and daring those ripples build a current which can sweep down the mightiest walls of oppression and resistance.

"If Athens shall appear great to you," said Pericles, "consider then that her glories were purchased by valiant men, and by men who learned their duty." That is the source of all greatness in all societies, and it is the key to progress in our own time.

The second danger is that of expediency; of those who say that hopes and beliefs must bend before immediate necessities. Of course if we must act effectively we must deal with the world as it is. We must get things done. But if there was one thing that President Kennedy stood for that touched the most profound feeling of young people across the world, it was the belief that idealism, high aspiration and deep convictions are not incompatible with the most practical and efficient of programs -- that there is no basic inconsistency between ideals and realistic possibilities -- no separation between the deepest desires of heart and of mind and the rational application of human effort to human problems. It is not realistic or hard-headed to solve problems and take action unguided by ultimate moral aims and values, although we all know some who claim that it is so. In my judgement, it is thoughtless folly. For it ignores the realities of human faith and of passion and of belief; forces ultimately more powerful than all the calculations of our economists or of our generals. Of course to adhere to standards, to idealism, to vision in the face of immediate dangers takes great courage and takes self-confidence. But we also know that only those who dare to fail greatly, can ever achieve greatly.

It is this new idealism which is also, I believe, the common heritage of a generation which has learned that while efficiency can lead to the camps at Auschwitz, or the streets of Budapest, only the ideals of humanity and love can climb the hills of the Acropolis.

A third danger is timidity. Few men are willing to brave the disapproval of their fellows, the censure of their colleagues, the wrath of their society. Moral courage is a rarer commodity than bravery in battle or great intelligence. Yet it is the one essential, vital quality for those who seek to change the world which yields most painfully to change. Aristotle tells us "At the Olympic games it is not the finest or the strongest men who are crowned, but those who enter the lists. . .so too in the life of the honorable and the good it is they who act rightly who win the prize." I believe that in this generation those with the courage to enter the conflict will find themselves with companions in every corner of the world.

For the fortunate amongst us, the fourth danger is comfort; the temptation to follow the easy and familiar path of personal ambition and financial success so grandly spread before those who have the privelege of an education. But that is not the road history has marked out for us. There is a Chinese curse which says "May he live in interesting times." Like it or not, we live in interesting times. They are times of danger and uncertainty; but they are also the most creative of any time in the history of mankind. And everyone here will ultimately be judged -- will ultimately judge himself -- on the effort he has contributed to building a new world society and the extent to which his ideals and goals have shaped that effort.

So we part, I to my country and you to remain. We are -- if a man of forty can claim the privelege -- fellow members of the world's largest younger generation. Each of us have our own work to do. I know at times you must feel very alone with your problems and with your difficulties. But I want to say how impressed I am with what you stand for and for the effort you are making; and I say this not just for myself, but men and women all over the world. And I hope you will often take heart from the knowledge that you are joined with your fellow young people in every land, they struggling with their problems and you with yours, but all joined in a common purpose; that, like the young people of my own country and of every country that I have visited, you are all in many ways more closely united to the brothers of your time than to the older generation in any of these nations; you are determined to build a better future. President Kennedy was speaking to the young people of America, but beyond them to young people everywhere, when he said "The energy, the faith, the devotion which we bring to this endeavor will light our country and all who serve it -- and the glow from that fire can truly light the world."

And, he added, "With a good conscience our only sure reward, with history the final judge of our deeds, let us go forth and lead the land we love, asking His blessing and His help, but knowing that here on earth God's work must truly be our own."

I thank you.




Robert F. Kennedy understood this message over 40 years ago, and yet we still face these same barriers he called upon our past generations to tear down. Can we be the generation to start this movement? Do you want to be part of it? visit http://www.wewantobama.com

cold in california.

i broke a promise, but for now, this is the best i can do.

check out Sara Haze's brand new album on iTunes featuring my incredible friend David, blogged about HERE

Cold in California-Sara Haze
There’s no ice on the ocean
As the waves crash on my feet
No chill in the atmosphere
Like you said there’d be
No frozen highway
Don’t need the chains you left for me
Cuz there’s no truth in your forecast
About the day that you would leave

Cuz it’s never COLD IN CALIFORNIA
There’s always someone here
To tell you that they love you
When others disappear
It’s never COLD IN CALIFORNIA
Cuz I’m still here -
I’m still here
I don’t need a weatherman
To warn me of the storm
Cuz I felt it growing closer
In the calm right before
And as the clouds are filling up the sky
The rain feels warm to me

Cuz it’s never COLD IN CALIFORNIA
There’s always someone here
To tell you that they love you
When others disappear
It’s never COLD IN CALIFORNIA
Cuz I’m still here
I’m still here
If the seasons pass
And nothing lasts
And your world turns dark and blue
Know the sun is always shining here for you
Cuz it’s never COLD IN CALIFORNIA
There’s always someone here
To tell you that they love you
When others disappear
It’s never COLD IN CALIFORNIA
There’s always someone here
To tell you that they love you
And I won’t disappear
It’s never COLD IN CALIFORNIA
Cuz I’m still here
I’m still here
I’m still here

pre-blog.

blog=fail. i have so many topics i want to post on. and i'm failing, because work is my life and by the time i have time to blog i'm falling asleep at the keys. i PROMISE this weekend will be blogged.

my heart is exploding. for so many reasons. and i don't know where to start. for now, i'm letting relient k speak for me, because this describes this weekend for so many reasons. as kaitlin said, say what you will about relient k, but sometimes you just gotta be emo and go back to your freshmen year of high school. once my thoughts have organized themselves a little bit, i will write a legitimate blog on this. but for now, if you know why--this is for you.
love to all.

"Who I Am Hates Who I've Been"

I watched the proverbial sunrise
Coming up over the Pacific and
You might think I'm losing my mind,
But I will shy away from the specifics...

'cause I don't want you to know where I am
'cause then you'll see my heart
In the saddest state it's ever been.

This is no place to try and live my life.

Stop right there. That's exactly where I lost it.
See that line. Well I never should have crossed it.
Stop right there. Well I never should have said
That it's the very moment that
I wish that I could take back.


I'm sorry for the person I became.
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again
'cause who I am hates who I've been.
Who I am hates who I've been.


I talk to absolutely no one.
Couldn't keep to myself enough.
And the things bottled inside have finally begun
To create so much pressure that I'll soon blow up.

I heard the reverberating footsteps
Synching up to the beating of my heart,
And I was positive that unless I got myself together,
I would watch me fall apart.

And I can't let that happen again
'cause then you'll see my heart
In the saddest state it's ever been.

This is no place to try and live my life.

Who I am hates who I've been
And who I am will take the second chance you gave me.
Who I am hates who I've been
'cause who I've been only ever made me...

So sorry for the person I became.
So sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again
'cause who I am hates who I've been.
Who I am hates who I've been.

square pegs

I am so behind. I'm so sorry. I promised myself I wouldn't get behind on this blog, and this job has absorbed absolutely every facet of my life. I'm going to fire a rapid succession of blog posts to TRY to put into words the past two weeks, but at this point to be completely honest I haven't found a way of doing so. Jason read us this quote on the steps of the giant cross atop Mount Soledad (google it) on the morning of tour launch. *prepare for an entire post on this...* It struck me so deeply, so hard, because it gives legitimacy and validity to everything I'm doing now, and everything that has happened over the past year. Be inspired.

"

Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do."


-Steve Jobs, Apple Advertising Campaign 1997.

west coast friendship.

things look completely different.

i never would have imagined myself here a year ago.

and i came here with no intention of letting anyone in.
or seeing my heart.
or giving it to them.
or even showing them that i'm capable of love.

because for so long i was told that i am not.

and i found those people here.

it's already too late to not care...

love is coming home.

when i was on my way down here, i got the chance to spend a day in santa barbara with some people very close to my heart.

one of my amazing friends, jess, took these photos at the beach in a shoot. she is incredible. check out her stuff at http://www.JessFairchild.com

she's the only one who can make me look cute in a picture.










tick tock, you're not a clock

why does the timing of things always suck?

always.

on unhappiness and fulfillment.

"The sole cause of man's unhappiness is he is unable to sit quietly in his own room"
-Blaise Pascal

I've had this quote on a sticky note on my computer for over a year. From rhetoric. And I had it there as a daily reminder that I was completely incapable of being alone. Doing anything alone. I was gripped by this fear that I had to constantly surround myself with people or I would be forgotten. I would cease to exist. I don't really understand it. But, I made every effort constantly to avoid being forgotten, alone, abandoned. It used to be a joke that I couldn't eat dinner alone. Which was true. If it came to that, I didn't eat dinner.

And something happened this summer. Once you ARE alone, and are completely abandoned--and forgotten, you learn it isn't as scary as it seemed. I began spending time alone. Mostly in my car, but I had those early mornings to myself, and then began treasuring the moments in my house when everyone was gone. I became a loner. And I liked it. I started turning down offers to hang out. To go out, to spend late nights at someone's house in favor of reading in my bed until I fell asleep. I was not a people person. Conversations exhausted me, and seemed to drain all my energy. I liked thinking things in my head and not saying them out loud.

In essence, it was the complete opposite of myself.

Here I've found a happy medium. I work all day in an office with 100+ people spending all of my time with endless phone calls, emails, facebook, and texting. I am now working a job and an internship that requires me to be overly communicative. It's fantastic. And I live in a house of 14.

And I treasure my alone time. Yesterday I walked 3 miles to my favorite coffee shop, and worked there for several hours. By myself. And walked home, getting completely lost, getting soaked by a sprinkler, taking over an hour, and enjoying every minute of it. (My injured knee, however, did not).

For those of you who know me, the thought of me walking 3 miles alone and spending time at a coffee shop alone might shock you. (OH! AND my phone was dead.) I only wish I knew how to surf better because I now appreciate why people would enjoy disappearing for hours to surf alone. (Another shocking concept).

I've learned to embrace solitude, while reconciling it with my extremely outgoing personality. I think the reason is, even when we are alone, we never really are. Solitude means spending time with the One who captures our hearts.
It's quickly become my favorite part of the day.

Yet I LOVE those moments with these people. Today was an absolutely fantastic day. I have quickly bonded with my Midwest Roadies--we watched an incredible documentary, and I had a dance party with my interns in a 15 passenger van. Then, I had a heart warming talk with someone who has been an incredible light and example of Christ's love to me. Thank you Nate.

I think tomorrow I may eat dinner alone.

Finally, a quote from Garden State, I'm starting to realize, there may actually be nothing wrong with me.

your money's worth.

ever flashmobbed to thriller on the roof of a corporate parking garage??

i have.


personification.

i told the story tonight. probably my most embarrassing childhood story. i was explaining that i have a long history of naming and befriending inanimate objects.

only a select few people will understand why this photo is hilarious.



by the way. how does one navigate the ridiculous treacherous waters of purchasing a used car? especially another neon?

it's times like these i'm really wishing i could call one of my guy friends. especially the ones who hate spending money. or who bought a new car in may.
meh.

well done, good and faithful servant.

(we will return to our regularly scheduled programming shortly)

i get really attached. easily.

people, places, relationships, objects...i'm clingy.

(say what you will about "the c word" but i've learned to embrace it)

i once had a gummy shark for like months that i carried around because i was too sad to eat it or "kill it". yeah, i know. gross.
i save receipts, tickets, random napkins, every card I've ever gotten...and yes I still sleep with a stuffed lamb.
It's not that I'm materialistic it's that I have a difficult time separating memories, feelings, etc from an object that represent them. Like, if I don't have something actual, tangible to associate with, it didn't happen for me. It may not make sense to anyone else. It's a type of separation anxiety and the coping mechanism is known as object relations. Again, say what you will about this because some of you know of a time when I've used this against people, but it really is just a part of how I work. It's like an overly extreme form of being sentimental.
so the fact that i totaled my first car, my little neon named Minnie, this weekend has really kind of freaked me out. a lot.

for a tiny little car that nobody ever has faith in (everyone makes fun of it), it drove me from carroll to denver at least 6 times, and to california and back 4 times. it only had 90,000 miles on it, which for a 2000 year car is very good. (did i mention it only cost $20 to fill up and got 30 mpg?)

and i just feel like i failed. you're supposed to drive your first car until it dies. and i'm a good driver. like really, i'm paranoid and careful and people make fun of me for driving too slowly and not being aggressive enough. so the fact that i looked in my rearview to change lanes and rearended a tahoe really upsets me.

if you were ever wondering who wins in a tahoe vs. neon, i can now show you.

i dont know why im so attached to my little car. it's just a car. but it wasn't just a car. i've been driving it as long as i could drive. so many late nights with gretchen, so many random trips with jake and kyle. graduation. car paint. snowstorms. mountain drives. my long road trips. so many swim practices.

and then, late nights with kurt. everywhere and anywhere. concerts at red rocks. mile high. waterworld. fort collins. ummmm any adventure i've ever had with bekah. holy crap so many. (and so many moths...)enter santa barbara--the first epic road trip, san fran, so many in n out trips, john mayer shows, beach trips, SOOO many good times with my roomies. so many coffee runs. the wall. the ridge.
enter you. this is what i'm having a hard time accepting. so many pivotal points in our relationship, whether it be the beginning or the end, happened in that car. surfing. even the fire--minnie carries us to safety. i had a really intense dream yesterday afternoon. that you were there. i dont think about it anymore. i dont write about it anymore--this blog is about embracing change, and learning new things. yet my subconscious brought me back to an old familiar place and it shook me. completely. because i wanted to tell you what happened. i guess i thought you'd understand. and it's weird because you got rid of lola too. after the fact. we both lost that tie. i dont know, maybe cars aren't that symbolic.

even what was to be my final drive. minnie was there. made it through that too, when we both needed so much repairing. became my home this summer for several weeks. seriously, in 6 years the car never once broke down on me or had a problem. not once. can you believe that?
then one more epic voyage. 2992.3 miles from denver to san diego.

i find it interesting that this was the last remaining piece of my "old self", my "old life"--the person i was that ended this past school year. this was the last bit i was hanging onto. and now it's gone. i'm free to completely embrace my new life. and yet i don't want to. with the daunting task of wading through endless craigslists posts, hoping not to get screwed--i seriously doubt i'll ever find a car that fits me so well as that one. and has been through as much as i have.

i know i sound so stupid. but when you sit in your car on a day like april 27th, and it's the only thing you have, something changes. and just as before, on that day in april, it was my fault--a poor decision, that results in the loss of something important.

you'd think i'd get it by now.
and don't tell me "it was an accident. it happens. it was just a car. you're okay."

that isn't going to make seeing my friend crushed into a small cube tomorrow morning any better.

dont ever underestimate a dodge neon. or it's little, broken driver.
I'll miss you, Natmobile.

death to insecurity

this blog has 3 parts. the good, the bad, and the life changing. it is up to you to decide which is which, and i can't stress how absolutely vital and important each one is to read. these things will change your life. i mean it. it will be long. it is so so so so so worth it.
today was the most intense day of training. the most information, the most important, the most heartbreaking, the most life changing. i simply can't convey that in a blog, nor have i fully processed and absorbed the thoughts in my head and the feelings in my heart. it will be a long road to come to the place where i understand today.

The first part was a talk from a man named Jedidiah. For those of you reading this who know him, it's self explanatory. Jed has a reputation for being wholeheartedly and absolutely invested in each person he meets on tour, so much so that he remembered me after meeting me one time at the rescue in santa monica (which if you were there, you know the total chaos that came with it). his talk was about just that: investing in people. This gripped me immediately, because i KNOW i have a heart for investing in people. in their story, in their hearts, in their lives. it's what makes me whole. and for an entire semester, i was told over and over each and every day that there is such a thing as investing too much and giving too much to one person, to one campaign, to one relationship. i was forced to believe this.
when you start to believe something you are told that goes against the truths you hold in your heart, it will break you.
today, i was redeemed. you can never invest too much. you can impact so many people's lives by investing in them, even if it ends up being negative and hurts you. you never will know how you may have changed that person. he spoke about insecurities, and how it is destroying us in every way possible. he spoke of his own, how he feels his love is devalued because it is so freely given. every word spoken was a much needed truth directly to my heart. which in itself, was an investment. here are the things he spoke to me.
1. Insecurity is the ultimately poision to humanity. Freeing yourself of those insecurities and that comparison frees your ability to love people, and let them love you. It will free your true personality.
2. "The love I have to give is not devalued just because it is given so freely to everyone, with the same intensity. It is unique and important and special to each and every person, I just may not always feel like it is appreciated as much as it really should be.
3. You are robbing Invisible Children of something they deeply need if you are not who you truly are.
Obviously that last one applies mostly to the interns working here, but it applies to any scenario in life. You are where you are for a reason. You bring something unique and special to the table that nobody else in the room will, and if you pretend to be anything else than that you are robbing people of that one thing. Think about that. That was a big one for me to think about, and even bigger to attempt to accept. It gives value and purpose to those who feel like they are nothing, because it shows us that no matter what it is, we are something. fjakdfjakfdlda. i needed that.


Next, I struggled. Hard. Laren gave us the history of the war part 2. My heart broke over and over again for these people. Everything gets messy, it gets complicated, you find out that key officials living in exile in countries like the united states-YES the united states-and england are funding the LRA because of a deeply rooted political bitterness. (I will devote an entire blog simply to the war itself, I promise--I've studied it for two straight nights now) It hurts my heart. Then reading articles about the conflicts in Sudan and the Congo and CAR and learning that they are rooted in the same types of issues, with the very same problems, makes me feel very powerless. They've had us practice over and over being confronted with the question "what makes you think you can end this war?" when we have to humbly answer, we don't know. But we have to try. It's overwhelming to know that ending this war in Uganda may not guarantee another will not start. It makes you feel worthless. And this is where I hit the wall. Even though we feel powerless, we are given our purpose and our job and our focus for this tour. Now, while all the details can't be revealed--we have a very different focus for this tour invisible children has not pursued in this past, and we now have a political stake in our pursuits. when Laren revealed what we are supporting and what we are pushing, I blatantly disagreed. (More details later, when we are allowed to discuss this publically) Absolutely disagreed. How can I stand before people, pushing this bill, asking for their money, when I myself--as a Christian, which is my main issue--disagree? I talked to a staff member who was a former roadie named Nate, and he told me that he literally had a plane ticket in his hand to quit his job and leave because of these same reservations. I asked what changed his mind. He gave me two things.
1. Dietrich Bonhoeffer. Google it. Read it. Anything you can. It's fantastic.
2. He talked about sacrifice. If we believe in this cause, and believe in this greater good of helping these kids--(and more specifically for me, rebuilding our 11 partner schools), Margy's deeper yes, then there will be times when we have to sacrifice ourselves, our own pursuits and our own agendas and lay aside our own reservations or we will not see these kids come home. Nate said, "If I do something that stops or hinders these efforts because I disagree politically, another child will die."
It's something I'm still very much struggling with and very much wrestling with. And I expect to for awhile. Which is such such such a good challenge. One I'm ready for.


********THIS PART WILL CHANGE YOUR PERSPECTIVE ON LIFE. READ THIS.************

Finally, the last session of the day was a talk directly from Jason Russell called "The ABCDs of Life and the Power of Your Story". For anyone not aware, Jason is one of the founders of IC as well as a filmmaker responsible for all the life changing media. I can't paraphrase this talk at ALL, so I'm just going to post some key quotes he gave us that REALLY spoke to my heart. And he used music. Which always gets huge points with me. I recorded the whole talk, if anyone wants to hear the entire thing. I highly suggest it.

This is a very powerful man, a very very amazing man--who took the time to speak to each of us. And came before us as someone humble and vulnerable (I mean, he cried. Several times. And showed us his cheesy proposal video. And introduced us to his children. Oh--and talked about his sex life, but that's a different story.) We can all learn so much from Jason's story, and yet his point was how every single person can talk the Jason out of Jason's and make that same sentence.

With that, here are his influential quotes.
You are more than you think you are.
He said this at least 5 times. Made me cry.
Our childhood fears and young adult pains are the hardest to get over. What happens to you at this age shapes the way you see your world.
Jason shared a lot with us about his struggle with depression, and his struggle to find meaning and purpose not only within the world--but within himself, and how he considered what he called "tragically final" options. For obvious reasons, many of you will understand why this spoke to me so deeply. To see that this man, who is very much like me, and faced very much the same walls I have, is changing the world. In so many ways. And he said,
When you start looking outside your own broken heart, your heart starts to be fulfilled.
ajfdkfdkfklafja oh my goshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh what a perfect quote. wow. I can't stress it enough. He then said, "As we are liberated from our own fears, our presence automatically liberates others". He talked a lot about how the only thing ever stopping us from doing what we want is fear, and how until we get over that fear we cannot truly help anyone else because we are not fully embracing who we are.

Jason encouraged me to know the answer to who I am and use that to change the world. I am now on that road. It was a direct challenge from a man who once struggled to find that place. And that is where I leave you. I am now on the path to finding out and knowing who I am, and what I am going to do in this world. My story, after being told for an entire semester how bad and devastating it was, how wrong, how broken, how "sick", how different I was, I am now being taught to embrace those struggles--that intense battle--the ultimate end from that, and the lessons learned. I am not ashamed of my story. This is who I am. Eventually, in some way, I will use it to change the world--even if just for one single person.

I challenge you to do the same.
Jason left us with a CS Lewis quote. The final point in Mere Christianity.
As long as your own personality is what you are bothering about you are not going to Him at all. The very first step is to try to forget about the self altogether. Your real, new self (which is Christ's and also yours, and yours just because it is His) will not come as long as you are looking for it.

Borderline or not, our personalities are given to us by God and are uniquely our own. But as long as we are looking for them, we will not find it. We will hit the same walls over and over. Once we stop looking to find ourselves, and pour ourselves into something else--helping someone else--changing life for kids in Uganda--THATS when our true personalities and our true selves will be revealed to us. That's so exciting.

this is your life...

i've been attempting to locate an appropriate starting point for this blog, this internship, this new chapter of my life but it's been very difficult so far. this is such a surreal experience, and there is so much that has now dug it's way very very deeply into my heart, yet i'm trying not to overwhelm the world with my first post.

it was a very intense week. the training for this job is thorough, and very intense.

i didn't realize how deeply these children affect my heart. i really truly want the world to know. it can seem so overwhelming, because there are so many people and it may seem like there is so little we can do but the more my brain is crammed with statistics and numbers about the programs invisible children does, the more i really understand how i'm now part of something so incredibly capable of enacting lasting change on this tiny African nation.

my heart lies there. truly. i didn't realize how instantly something this big would change you. nothing else seems significant. really. i feel like i can no longer relate to my friends and family outside this job because i cant hear complaints about money and schoolwork, having just watched a video of a 15 year old boy forced to kill his entire family.

how do you help change the perspective of others after something like that?
we were given an orientation session on the history of the war, taught by Laren himself. (if you aren't aware, Laren Bobby and Jason are the 3 filmmakers of the original IC rough cut and the founders of the company...which will be explained in the video at the end of this post.) I was blown away at how deep the roots of this conflict go, and how much hostility and resentment there is even within the country itself. (it's complicated, but the southern people of Uganda feel no pity for the Acholi's plight because of horrible atrocities committed against them by the Acholi themselves in the 80's) and how much pain there remains in this region.

It got me thinking about the past semester of my life. When I think about it, there's still a deeply rooted seed of resentment, anger, and pain towards some of the people I once called my best friends. And yet, it all becomes so tiny in comparison. I honestly rarely think about it anymore. I'm going to post a snippet of a conversation with a friend from the other day, who I will call "J", who has been involved in the root of this since the beginning. Many of you reading this will notice the same things he did. The only reason I post this, as it may seem irrelevant to my job, is because we cannot understand anything about where we are going, until we see where we have come from. This was the whole basis behind learning the history of the war. With that,

Natalie
i just am very much convinced that God has a very specific plan, and we manage to screw it up pretty badly, but nothing is bad in his eyes so he figures something better out for us.
11:10pm
J
i like that
11:10pm
Natalie
you know? it's like, we are never missing out on something because we fuck it up,
we just do something different.
11:11pm
J
ha ha
very very true
11:11pm
Natalie
i honestly dont think i am missing out on anything not being at westmont this semester
i thought it was the end of the world
and now it's the beginning.
11:11pm
J
you're making me smile right now
11:11pm
Natalie
really?
because i sound so different than i did 3 months ago? haha
11:12pm
J
yes
and it's about stinkin time

and furthermore, as written in an email to my dean of students:
"It's amazing how such a dramatic and difficult experience is what is sometimes needed to change a perspective completely, or even be the catalyst to snap us out of patterns or worldviews that are ultimately destructive. I've learned so much through this summer about Myself and the direction God has for my life versus the path I was previously on. Sometimes we get lost and need a pretty big awakening to be reminded of where we should be. "

And now, for those of you who really have no idea what I'm even doing...this should help. Also check out any of our media, because they are all absolutely fantastic.