things look completely different.

i never would have imagined myself here a year ago.

and i came here with no intention of letting anyone in.
or seeing my heart.
or giving it to them.
or even showing them that i'm capable of love.

because for so long i was told that i am not.

and i found those people here.

it's already too late to not care...

when i was on my way down here, i got the chance to spend a day in santa barbara with some people very close to my heart.

one of my amazing friends, jess, took these photos at the beach in a shoot. she is incredible. check out her stuff at http://www.JessFairchild.com

she's the only one who can make me look cute in a picture.

why does the timing of things always suck?

always.

"The sole cause of man's unhappiness is he is unable to sit quietly in his own room"
-Blaise Pascal

I've had this quote on a sticky note on my computer for over a year. From rhetoric. And I had it there as a daily reminder that I was completely incapable of being alone. Doing anything alone. I was gripped by this fear that I had to constantly surround myself with people or I would be forgotten. I would cease to exist. I don't really understand it. But, I made every effort constantly to avoid being forgotten, alone, abandoned. It used to be a joke that I couldn't eat dinner alone. Which was true. If it came to that, I didn't eat dinner.

And something happened this summer. Once you ARE alone, and are completely abandoned--and forgotten, you learn it isn't as scary as it seemed. I began spending time alone. Mostly in my car, but I had those early mornings to myself, and then began treasuring the moments in my house when everyone was gone. I became a loner. And I liked it. I started turning down offers to hang out. To go out, to spend late nights at someone's house in favor of reading in my bed until I fell asleep. I was not a people person. Conversations exhausted me, and seemed to drain all my energy. I liked thinking things in my head and not saying them out loud.

In essence, it was the complete opposite of myself.

Here I've found a happy medium. I work all day in an office with 100+ people spending all of my time with endless phone calls, emails, facebook, and texting. I am now working a job and an internship that requires me to be overly communicative. It's fantastic. And I live in a house of 14.

And I treasure my alone time. Yesterday I walked 3 miles to my favorite coffee shop, and worked there for several hours. By myself. And walked home, getting completely lost, getting soaked by a sprinkler, taking over an hour, and enjoying every minute of it. (My injured knee, however, did not).

For those of you who know me, the thought of me walking 3 miles alone and spending time at a coffee shop alone might shock you. (OH! AND my phone was dead.) I only wish I knew how to surf better because I now appreciate why people would enjoy disappearing for hours to surf alone. (Another shocking concept).

I've learned to embrace solitude, while reconciling it with my extremely outgoing personality. I think the reason is, even when we are alone, we never really are. Solitude means spending time with the One who captures our hearts.
It's quickly become my favorite part of the day.

Yet I LOVE those moments with these people. Today was an absolutely fantastic day. I have quickly bonded with my Midwest Roadies--we watched an incredible documentary, and I had a dance party with my interns in a 15 passenger van. Then, I had a heart warming talk with someone who has been an incredible light and example of Christ's love to me. Thank you Nate.

I think tomorrow I may eat dinner alone.

Finally, a quote from Garden State, I'm starting to realize, there may actually be nothing wrong with me.

ever flashmobbed to thriller on the roof of a corporate parking garage??

i have.

i told the story tonight. probably my most embarrassing childhood story. i was explaining that i have a long history of naming and befriending inanimate objects.

only a select few people will understand why this photo is hilarious.



by the way. how does one navigate the ridiculous treacherous waters of purchasing a used car? especially another neon?

it's times like these i'm really wishing i could call one of my guy friends. especially the ones who hate spending money. or who bought a new car in may.
meh.

(we will return to our regularly scheduled programming shortly)

i get really attached. easily.

people, places, relationships, objects...i'm clingy.

(say what you will about "the c word" but i've learned to embrace it)

i once had a gummy shark for like months that i carried around because i was too sad to eat it or "kill it". yeah, i know. gross.
i save receipts, tickets, random napkins, every card I've ever gotten...and yes I still sleep with a stuffed lamb.
It's not that I'm materialistic it's that I have a difficult time separating memories, feelings, etc from an object that represent them. Like, if I don't have something actual, tangible to associate with, it didn't happen for me. It may not make sense to anyone else. It's a type of separation anxiety and the coping mechanism is known as object relations. Again, say what you will about this because some of you know of a time when I've used this against people, but it really is just a part of how I work. It's like an overly extreme form of being sentimental.
so the fact that i totaled my first car, my little neon named Minnie, this weekend has really kind of freaked me out. a lot.

for a tiny little car that nobody ever has faith in (everyone makes fun of it), it drove me from carroll to denver at least 6 times, and to california and back 4 times. it only had 90,000 miles on it, which for a 2000 year car is very good. (did i mention it only cost $20 to fill up and got 30 mpg?)

and i just feel like i failed. you're supposed to drive your first car until it dies. and i'm a good driver. like really, i'm paranoid and careful and people make fun of me for driving too slowly and not being aggressive enough. so the fact that i looked in my rearview to change lanes and rearended a tahoe really upsets me.

if you were ever wondering who wins in a tahoe vs. neon, i can now show you.

i dont know why im so attached to my little car. it's just a car. but it wasn't just a car. i've been driving it as long as i could drive. so many late nights with gretchen, so many random trips with jake and kyle. graduation. car paint. snowstorms. mountain drives. my long road trips. so many swim practices.

and then, late nights with kurt. everywhere and anywhere. concerts at red rocks. mile high. waterworld. fort collins. ummmm any adventure i've ever had with bekah. holy crap so many. (and so many moths...)enter santa barbara--the first epic road trip, san fran, so many in n out trips, john mayer shows, beach trips, SOOO many good times with my roomies. so many coffee runs. the wall. the ridge.
enter you. this is what i'm having a hard time accepting. so many pivotal points in our relationship, whether it be the beginning or the end, happened in that car. surfing. even the fire--minnie carries us to safety. i had a really intense dream yesterday afternoon. that you were there. i dont think about it anymore. i dont write about it anymore--this blog is about embracing change, and learning new things. yet my subconscious brought me back to an old familiar place and it shook me. completely. because i wanted to tell you what happened. i guess i thought you'd understand. and it's weird because you got rid of lola too. after the fact. we both lost that tie. i dont know, maybe cars aren't that symbolic.

even what was to be my final drive. minnie was there. made it through that too, when we both needed so much repairing. became my home this summer for several weeks. seriously, in 6 years the car never once broke down on me or had a problem. not once. can you believe that?
then one more epic voyage. 2992.3 miles from denver to san diego.

i find it interesting that this was the last remaining piece of my "old self", my "old life"--the person i was that ended this past school year. this was the last bit i was hanging onto. and now it's gone. i'm free to completely embrace my new life. and yet i don't want to. with the daunting task of wading through endless craigslists posts, hoping not to get screwed--i seriously doubt i'll ever find a car that fits me so well as that one. and has been through as much as i have.

i know i sound so stupid. but when you sit in your car on a day like april 27th, and it's the only thing you have, something changes. and just as before, on that day in april, it was my fault--a poor decision, that results in the loss of something important.

you'd think i'd get it by now.
and don't tell me "it was an accident. it happens. it was just a car. you're okay."

that isn't going to make seeing my friend crushed into a small cube tomorrow morning any better.

dont ever underestimate a dodge neon. or it's little, broken driver.
I'll miss you, Natmobile.