things look completely different.

i never would have imagined myself here a year ago.

and i came here with no intention of letting anyone in.
or seeing my heart.
or giving it to them.
or even showing them that i'm capable of love.

because for so long i was told that i am not.

and i found those people here.

it's already too late to not care...

when i was on my way down here, i got the chance to spend a day in santa barbara with some people very close to my heart.

one of my amazing friends, jess, took these photos at the beach in a shoot. she is incredible. check out her stuff at http://www.JessFairchild.com

she's the only one who can make me look cute in a picture.

why does the timing of things always suck?

always.

"The sole cause of man's unhappiness is he is unable to sit quietly in his own room"
-Blaise Pascal

I've had this quote on a sticky note on my computer for over a year. From rhetoric. And I had it there as a daily reminder that I was completely incapable of being alone. Doing anything alone. I was gripped by this fear that I had to constantly surround myself with people or I would be forgotten. I would cease to exist. I don't really understand it. But, I made every effort constantly to avoid being forgotten, alone, abandoned. It used to be a joke that I couldn't eat dinner alone. Which was true. If it came to that, I didn't eat dinner.

And something happened this summer. Once you ARE alone, and are completely abandoned--and forgotten, you learn it isn't as scary as it seemed. I began spending time alone. Mostly in my car, but I had those early mornings to myself, and then began treasuring the moments in my house when everyone was gone. I became a loner. And I liked it. I started turning down offers to hang out. To go out, to spend late nights at someone's house in favor of reading in my bed until I fell asleep. I was not a people person. Conversations exhausted me, and seemed to drain all my energy. I liked thinking things in my head and not saying them out loud.

In essence, it was the complete opposite of myself.

Here I've found a happy medium. I work all day in an office with 100+ people spending all of my time with endless phone calls, emails, facebook, and texting. I am now working a job and an internship that requires me to be overly communicative. It's fantastic. And I live in a house of 14.

And I treasure my alone time. Yesterday I walked 3 miles to my favorite coffee shop, and worked there for several hours. By myself. And walked home, getting completely lost, getting soaked by a sprinkler, taking over an hour, and enjoying every minute of it. (My injured knee, however, did not).

For those of you who know me, the thought of me walking 3 miles alone and spending time at a coffee shop alone might shock you. (OH! AND my phone was dead.) I only wish I knew how to surf better because I now appreciate why people would enjoy disappearing for hours to surf alone. (Another shocking concept).

I've learned to embrace solitude, while reconciling it with my extremely outgoing personality. I think the reason is, even when we are alone, we never really are. Solitude means spending time with the One who captures our hearts.
It's quickly become my favorite part of the day.

Yet I LOVE those moments with these people. Today was an absolutely fantastic day. I have quickly bonded with my Midwest Roadies--we watched an incredible documentary, and I had a dance party with my interns in a 15 passenger van. Then, I had a heart warming talk with someone who has been an incredible light and example of Christ's love to me. Thank you Nate.

I think tomorrow I may eat dinner alone.

Finally, a quote from Garden State, I'm starting to realize, there may actually be nothing wrong with me.

ever flashmobbed to thriller on the roof of a corporate parking garage??

i have.

i told the story tonight. probably my most embarrassing childhood story. i was explaining that i have a long history of naming and befriending inanimate objects.

only a select few people will understand why this photo is hilarious.



by the way. how does one navigate the ridiculous treacherous waters of purchasing a used car? especially another neon?

it's times like these i'm really wishing i could call one of my guy friends. especially the ones who hate spending money. or who bought a new car in may.
meh.

(we will return to our regularly scheduled programming shortly)

i get really attached. easily.

people, places, relationships, objects...i'm clingy.

(say what you will about "the c word" but i've learned to embrace it)

i once had a gummy shark for like months that i carried around because i was too sad to eat it or "kill it". yeah, i know. gross.
i save receipts, tickets, random napkins, every card I've ever gotten...and yes I still sleep with a stuffed lamb.
It's not that I'm materialistic it's that I have a difficult time separating memories, feelings, etc from an object that represent them. Like, if I don't have something actual, tangible to associate with, it didn't happen for me. It may not make sense to anyone else. It's a type of separation anxiety and the coping mechanism is known as object relations. Again, say what you will about this because some of you know of a time when I've used this against people, but it really is just a part of how I work. It's like an overly extreme form of being sentimental.
so the fact that i totaled my first car, my little neon named Minnie, this weekend has really kind of freaked me out. a lot.

for a tiny little car that nobody ever has faith in (everyone makes fun of it), it drove me from carroll to denver at least 6 times, and to california and back 4 times. it only had 90,000 miles on it, which for a 2000 year car is very good. (did i mention it only cost $20 to fill up and got 30 mpg?)

and i just feel like i failed. you're supposed to drive your first car until it dies. and i'm a good driver. like really, i'm paranoid and careful and people make fun of me for driving too slowly and not being aggressive enough. so the fact that i looked in my rearview to change lanes and rearended a tahoe really upsets me.

if you were ever wondering who wins in a tahoe vs. neon, i can now show you.

i dont know why im so attached to my little car. it's just a car. but it wasn't just a car. i've been driving it as long as i could drive. so many late nights with gretchen, so many random trips with jake and kyle. graduation. car paint. snowstorms. mountain drives. my long road trips. so many swim practices.

and then, late nights with kurt. everywhere and anywhere. concerts at red rocks. mile high. waterworld. fort collins. ummmm any adventure i've ever had with bekah. holy crap so many. (and so many moths...)enter santa barbara--the first epic road trip, san fran, so many in n out trips, john mayer shows, beach trips, SOOO many good times with my roomies. so many coffee runs. the wall. the ridge.
enter you. this is what i'm having a hard time accepting. so many pivotal points in our relationship, whether it be the beginning or the end, happened in that car. surfing. even the fire--minnie carries us to safety. i had a really intense dream yesterday afternoon. that you were there. i dont think about it anymore. i dont write about it anymore--this blog is about embracing change, and learning new things. yet my subconscious brought me back to an old familiar place and it shook me. completely. because i wanted to tell you what happened. i guess i thought you'd understand. and it's weird because you got rid of lola too. after the fact. we both lost that tie. i dont know, maybe cars aren't that symbolic.

even what was to be my final drive. minnie was there. made it through that too, when we both needed so much repairing. became my home this summer for several weeks. seriously, in 6 years the car never once broke down on me or had a problem. not once. can you believe that?
then one more epic voyage. 2992.3 miles from denver to san diego.

i find it interesting that this was the last remaining piece of my "old self", my "old life"--the person i was that ended this past school year. this was the last bit i was hanging onto. and now it's gone. i'm free to completely embrace my new life. and yet i don't want to. with the daunting task of wading through endless craigslists posts, hoping not to get screwed--i seriously doubt i'll ever find a car that fits me so well as that one. and has been through as much as i have.

i know i sound so stupid. but when you sit in your car on a day like april 27th, and it's the only thing you have, something changes. and just as before, on that day in april, it was my fault--a poor decision, that results in the loss of something important.

you'd think i'd get it by now.
and don't tell me "it was an accident. it happens. it was just a car. you're okay."

that isn't going to make seeing my friend crushed into a small cube tomorrow morning any better.

dont ever underestimate a dodge neon. or it's little, broken driver.
I'll miss you, Natmobile.

this blog has 3 parts. the good, the bad, and the life changing. it is up to you to decide which is which, and i can't stress how absolutely vital and important each one is to read. these things will change your life. i mean it. it will be long. it is so so so so so worth it.
today was the most intense day of training. the most information, the most important, the most heartbreaking, the most life changing. i simply can't convey that in a blog, nor have i fully processed and absorbed the thoughts in my head and the feelings in my heart. it will be a long road to come to the place where i understand today.

The first part was a talk from a man named Jedidiah. For those of you reading this who know him, it's self explanatory. Jed has a reputation for being wholeheartedly and absolutely invested in each person he meets on tour, so much so that he remembered me after meeting me one time at the rescue in santa monica (which if you were there, you know the total chaos that came with it). his talk was about just that: investing in people. This gripped me immediately, because i KNOW i have a heart for investing in people. in their story, in their hearts, in their lives. it's what makes me whole. and for an entire semester, i was told over and over each and every day that there is such a thing as investing too much and giving too much to one person, to one campaign, to one relationship. i was forced to believe this.
when you start to believe something you are told that goes against the truths you hold in your heart, it will break you.
today, i was redeemed. you can never invest too much. you can impact so many people's lives by investing in them, even if it ends up being negative and hurts you. you never will know how you may have changed that person. he spoke about insecurities, and how it is destroying us in every way possible. he spoke of his own, how he feels his love is devalued because it is so freely given. every word spoken was a much needed truth directly to my heart. which in itself, was an investment. here are the things he spoke to me.
1. Insecurity is the ultimately poision to humanity. Freeing yourself of those insecurities and that comparison frees your ability to love people, and let them love you. It will free your true personality.
2. "The love I have to give is not devalued just because it is given so freely to everyone, with the same intensity. It is unique and important and special to each and every person, I just may not always feel like it is appreciated as much as it really should be.
3. You are robbing Invisible Children of something they deeply need if you are not who you truly are.
Obviously that last one applies mostly to the interns working here, but it applies to any scenario in life. You are where you are for a reason. You bring something unique and special to the table that nobody else in the room will, and if you pretend to be anything else than that you are robbing people of that one thing. Think about that. That was a big one for me to think about, and even bigger to attempt to accept. It gives value and purpose to those who feel like they are nothing, because it shows us that no matter what it is, we are something. fjakdfjakfdlda. i needed that.


Next, I struggled. Hard. Laren gave us the history of the war part 2. My heart broke over and over again for these people. Everything gets messy, it gets complicated, you find out that key officials living in exile in countries like the united states-YES the united states-and england are funding the LRA because of a deeply rooted political bitterness. (I will devote an entire blog simply to the war itself, I promise--I've studied it for two straight nights now) It hurts my heart. Then reading articles about the conflicts in Sudan and the Congo and CAR and learning that they are rooted in the same types of issues, with the very same problems, makes me feel very powerless. They've had us practice over and over being confronted with the question "what makes you think you can end this war?" when we have to humbly answer, we don't know. But we have to try. It's overwhelming to know that ending this war in Uganda may not guarantee another will not start. It makes you feel worthless. And this is where I hit the wall. Even though we feel powerless, we are given our purpose and our job and our focus for this tour. Now, while all the details can't be revealed--we have a very different focus for this tour invisible children has not pursued in this past, and we now have a political stake in our pursuits. when Laren revealed what we are supporting and what we are pushing, I blatantly disagreed. (More details later, when we are allowed to discuss this publically) Absolutely disagreed. How can I stand before people, pushing this bill, asking for their money, when I myself--as a Christian, which is my main issue--disagree? I talked to a staff member who was a former roadie named Nate, and he told me that he literally had a plane ticket in his hand to quit his job and leave because of these same reservations. I asked what changed his mind. He gave me two things.
1. Dietrich Bonhoeffer. Google it. Read it. Anything you can. It's fantastic.
2. He talked about sacrifice. If we believe in this cause, and believe in this greater good of helping these kids--(and more specifically for me, rebuilding our 11 partner schools), Margy's deeper yes, then there will be times when we have to sacrifice ourselves, our own pursuits and our own agendas and lay aside our own reservations or we will not see these kids come home. Nate said, "If I do something that stops or hinders these efforts because I disagree politically, another child will die."
It's something I'm still very much struggling with and very much wrestling with. And I expect to for awhile. Which is such such such a good challenge. One I'm ready for.


********THIS PART WILL CHANGE YOUR PERSPECTIVE ON LIFE. READ THIS.************
Finally, the last session of the day was a talk directly from Jason Russell called "The ABCDs of Life and the Power of Your Story". For anyone not aware, Jason is one of the founders of IC as well as a filmmaker responsible for all the life changing media. I can't paraphrase this talk at ALL, so I'm just going to post some key quotes he gave us that REALLY spoke to my heart. And he used music. Which always gets huge points with me. I recorded the whole talk, if anyone wants to hear the entire thing. I highly suggest it.

This is a very powerful man, a very very amazing man--who took the time to speak to each of us. And came before us as someone humble and vulnerable (I mean, he cried. Several times. And showed us his cheesy proposal video. And introduced us to his children. Oh--and talked about his sex life, but that's a different story.) We can all learn so much from Jason's story, and yet his point was how every single person can talk the Jason out of Jason's and make that same sentence.

With that, here are his influential quotes.
You are more than you think you are.
He said this at least 5 times. Made me cry.
Our childhood fears and young adult pains are the hardest to get over. What happens to you at this age shapes the way you see your world.
Jason shared a lot with us about his struggle with depression, and his struggle to find meaning and purpose not only within the world--but within himself, and how he considered what he called "tragically final" options. For obvious reasons, many of you will understand why this spoke to me so deeply. To see that this man, who is very much like me, and faced very much the same walls I have, is changing the world. In so many ways. And he said,
When you start looking outside your own broken heart, your heart starts to be fulfilled.
ajfdkfdkfklafja oh my goshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh what a perfect quote. wow. I can't stress it enough. He then said, "As we are liberated from our own fears, our presence automatically liberates others". He talked a lot about how the only thing ever stopping us from doing what we want is fear, and how until we get over that fear we cannot truly help anyone else because we are not fully embracing who we are.

Jason encouraged me to know the answer to who I am and use that to change the world. I am now on that road. It was a direct challenge from a man who once struggled to find that place. And that is where I leave you. I am now on the path to finding out and knowing who I am, and what I am going to do in this world. My story, after being told for an entire semester how bad and devastating it was, how wrong, how broken, how "sick", how different I was, I am now being taught to embrace those struggles--that intense battle--the ultimate end from that, and the lessons learned. I am not ashamed of my story. This is who I am. Eventually, in some way, I will use it to change the world--even if just for one single person.

I challenge you to do the same.
Jason left us with a CS Lewis quote. The final point in Mere Christianity.
As long as your own personality is what you are bothering about you are not going to Him at all. The very first step is to try to forget about the self altogether. Your real, new self (which is Christ's and also yours, and yours just because it is His) will not come as long as you are looking for it.

Borderline or not, our personalities are given to us by God and are uniquely our own. But as long as we are looking for them, we will not find it. We will hit the same walls over and over. Once we stop looking to find ourselves, and pour ourselves into something else--helping someone else--changing life for kids in Uganda--THATS when our true personalities and our true selves will be revealed to us. That's so exciting.

i've been attempting to locate an appropriate starting point for this blog, this internship, this new chapter of my life but it's been very difficult so far. this is such a surreal experience, and there is so much that has now dug it's way very very deeply into my heart, yet i'm trying not to overwhelm the world with my first post.

it was a very intense week. the training for this job is thorough, and very intense.

i didn't realize how deeply these children affect my heart. i really truly want the world to know. it can seem so overwhelming, because there are so many people and it may seem like there is so little we can do but the more my brain is crammed with statistics and numbers about the programs invisible children does, the more i really understand how i'm now part of something so incredibly capable of enacting lasting change on this tiny African nation.

my heart lies there. truly. i didn't realize how instantly something this big would change you. nothing else seems significant. really. i feel like i can no longer relate to my friends and family outside this job because i cant hear complaints about money and schoolwork, having just watched a video of a 15 year old boy forced to kill his entire family.

how do you help change the perspective of others after something like that?
we were given an orientation session on the history of the war, taught by Laren himself. (if you aren't aware, Laren Bobby and Jason are the 3 filmmakers of the original IC rough cut and the founders of the company...which will be explained in the video at the end of this post.) I was blown away at how deep the roots of this conflict go, and how much hostility and resentment there is even within the country itself. (it's complicated, but the southern people of Uganda feel no pity for the Acholi's plight because of horrible atrocities committed against them by the Acholi themselves in the 80's) and how much pain there remains in this region.

It got me thinking about the past semester of my life. When I think about it, there's still a deeply rooted seed of resentment, anger, and pain towards some of the people I once called my best friends. And yet, it all becomes so tiny in comparison. I honestly rarely think about it anymore. I'm going to post a snippet of a conversation with a friend from the other day, who I will call "J", who has been involved in the root of this since the beginning. Many of you reading this will notice the same things he did. The only reason I post this, as it may seem irrelevant to my job, is because we cannot understand anything about where we are going, until we see where we have come from. This was the whole basis behind learning the history of the war. With that,

Natalie
i just am very much convinced that God has a very specific plan, and we manage to screw it up pretty badly, but nothing is bad in his eyes so he figures something better out for us.
11:10pm
J
i like that
11:10pm
Natalie
you know? it's like, we are never missing out on something because we fuck it up,
we just do something different.
11:11pm
J
ha ha
very very true
11:11pm
Natalie
i honestly dont think i am missing out on anything not being at westmont this semester
i thought it was the end of the world
and now it's the beginning.
11:11pm
J
you're making me smile right now
11:11pm
Natalie
really?
because i sound so different than i did 3 months ago? haha
11:12pm
J
yes
and it's about stinkin time

and furthermore, as written in an email to my dean of students:
"It's amazing how such a dramatic and difficult experience is what is sometimes needed to change a perspective completely, or even be the catalyst to snap us out of patterns or worldviews that are ultimately destructive. I've learned so much through this summer about Myself and the direction God has for my life versus the path I was previously on. Sometimes we get lost and need a pretty big awakening to be reminded of where we should be. "

And now, for those of you who really have no idea what I'm even doing...this should help. Also check out any of our media, because they are all absolutely fantastic.